Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
