At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
