Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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