Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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