I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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