She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
