I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
