Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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