Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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