did you get engaged???
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
