Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
