my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
