Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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