Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
