She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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