I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
