I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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