On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
