Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So many bounce houses so little time
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
