saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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