You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize