look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
