rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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