It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize