what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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