if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
birth control should be required to get into college
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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