A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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