Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
