I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
