my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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