i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
