Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
