Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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