smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
