considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
