wrigley field is MILF paradise
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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