if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
