to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
