I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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