I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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