I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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