fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
