Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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