I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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