I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Found your dick twin last night
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I could fuck to npr.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
