Cold hands, warm shart.
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
