how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
