I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How does it feel to date your dad?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
