Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Randomize
