im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Swine flu is the new snow day.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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