remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
