Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
