Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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