Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize