Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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