This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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