apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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