You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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