Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
