my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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