I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
