Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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