yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
