My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
