the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize