i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
