Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
