I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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