i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
